


John Egbert x Everyone

by gallantCreator



Series: John x Everyone [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Best Friends, Gen, Other, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Self-Discovery, Sexual Identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:14:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantCreator/pseuds/gallantCreator
Summary: A silly little series of ships (platonic, romantic, and blackrom!) between John and many of his friends. Surely there's nothing deeper under the surface......right?
Relationships: John Egbert & Dave Strider
Series: John x Everyone [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088864
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	John Egbert x Everyone

**John x Everyone**

  
_Ch 1: A Funny Thing happened on the way to the Olive Garden_

Dave banged on the front door, impatient and cold. In their quest to make this world as reasonable a facsimile to what their home once was, they had included the occasionally brutal winters of the Northenmost pair of the Creator Gods. Specifically, the Washington winters of the God of Breath.  
“John, hurry the fuck up dude, I'm freezing my shades off.” He banged again, but there was no answer, “I know I'm not fucking late. I haven't been late a day in my life, not about to start after I got fucking time travel powers.” He went to knock again, but the door opened. John looked like hell.  
“You look like hell.”  
John furrowed a brow, running a hand through messy black hair, “Thanks. Why aren't you wearing a coat? It's January.”  
“Figured I'd test out the Godly Resilience a little bit. Go for a brisk walk in the goddamn Frozen North that is fuck-shit Nowhere, North Cantown. Because I forgot you and Rose missed your frigid hellscapes, now let me the fuck in dude.”  
John stepped aside to let Dave enter and motioned for him to do so. Dave took no more invite.  
“So. Digging the super casual pajama pants and Slimer shirt look, but I think Olive Garden at least requires pants,” Dave closed the door behind him, “Like real pants. Did you forget?”  
“No, yeah, I didn't forget. I just...sorry, I slept like shit. A lot on my mind.”  
John hurried upstairs, Dave stayed put in the meantime.  
“Yeah, like what?”  
No response.  
“Dude, if I have to come up there, I swear I'm gonna-” He swore, for a second, he heard a small hopeless sob, “I'll uh. I'll see you in a bit.” Dave felt the world around him begin to shift and stretch, and moments later he was shunted into the future.  
“Okay, I'm all s-Wait...did you time travel past me getting ready!?”  
“I went forward three days, John. It's not my fault you took forever.”  
“It was like an hour!”  
“I dunno who's the guy with an impeccable sense of time. You think I can't tell the difference between one hour and seventy-two? That's insulting. I'm insulted. Now c'mon even by flight we've gotta rush to make our reservations.”  
“Dave it's an OLIVE GARDEN. Are they even open yet?”  
“Today is the grand opening. I mean three days ago. Shit, this whole ruse is falling apart on me.”  
John couldn't help but laugh. Dave swore he saw the stain of tears on his best bros cheek, but he knew better than to press him.  
  


  
The trip was short, but was met with a disappointed groan from Dave as he noticed a lack of familiar imagery on the horizon.  
“What the fuck? How are they not done yet?”  
John scanned the horizon, eyes focusing in as best they could, “Hm? Oh, yeah. Some big bear lusus decided to bed down in the middle of the construction site til Spring. Jade didn't wanna disturb its' home until it was awake naturally.”  
The cool kid rolled his eyes behind the shades, letting out a much longer, much more disappointed groan. “Alright, fine. Fuck it. I guess we'll miss our reservations by about three and a half months.”  
“Dave you aren't SERIOUSLY gonna time travel to spring just so you can-”  
But it was too late. The two had shunted forward, to sunny days and a substantially warmed, but still kind of chilly, afternoon.  
“Yo, happy birthday. Don't get used to it though, I'm snapping us back to the time we left after lunch.”  
“Do I get twice the presents?”  
“Hell no, I'm not made of money. What do you think we live in; a post-scarcity society where we just magic shit up?”  
John chuckled, “Yeah actually.”  
“Well too fucking bad.” Dave couldn't help but crack a smile, seeing the brightness of his best friends grin breaking through the cloudy mood.

The were eventually seated by an especially strong-looking waiter, sequestered off from the rest of the restaurant by virtue of being Creator Gods.  
“Always feels...weird getting special treatment. I'm nobody special. I'm just some...” John's throat caught, Dave acted fast to save the mood.  
“I reserved the special suite for us. Figured opening day would be packed enough, might as well pull some weight.”  
The distraction didn't seem to work. He had to pull out the big guns.  
“Just two buds. Chilling. Reserved private booth. No homo. Half bisexual though. It's me. I'm the bisexual half.” He was floundering. His best friend seemed to be in a spiral and he could do nothing but ramble. Alright, direct route it is.  
“So why are you such a mopey bitch today, dude? This isn't like you. Is it the Roxy thing? He said-”  
“No. I mean yeah but...no...”  
“Dude, you can't kick your own ass over this. I know I'm biased he's my...Dad...Brother...whatever. But I he says he had your best interests in mind. You're not into guys, he's a guy.”  
John shook his head.  
“Is it something else?”  
“No it's the Roxy thing it just...”  
Dave raised a thick brow.  
“I think I'm bisexual.”  
The glass of water was placed down delicately, almost deliberately so, but Dave heard the echoing thud of everything suddenly turning on its' head.  
“Hold the fuck up,” He hopped out of his side of the booth and into Johns, “It's me, I'm the fuck up. Did you just-”  
John nodded slowly, pulling away.  
“Dude why didn't you tell me? I gotta throw a fucking party! I've gotta call all our friends and tell em Jane is now officially the last Straight person among us without making it all weird and accusatory. I feel like she'd get weird about it though. Do you think your Hot Grandma will get weird about me telling her she's the last heterosexual in her family?”  
He shot Dave a concerned look, “I think _anyone_ would be weirded out by calling them someone's hot grandma, Dave...”  
“Fine, GMILF. Whatever.”  
“And yes I think Jane would be offended by you telling her she's the last straight person in our friend group.”  
“Bold choice of words at the end there.”  
Dave returned to his seat, and sighed.  
“Alright, tell me how you figured it out. Let's swap stories. I'll go first, I was 12 years old when I met this dorky guy online...”  
John shook his head and laughed.  
  
“You're gonna laugh.”  
“Does it involve my Dad?”  
“A little.”  
There was an awkward pause before John spoke up.  
“I've always kind of known. When Karkat was flirting with me...I dunno.”  
“The 'Not a Homosexual' incident, yeah I remember.”  
“Yeah. I think...on some level I kinda knew...'Because you're bisexual, dumb ass'! Like. Maybe I was telling on myself a little. I don't know. When Roxy came out...as...”  
“Transmasc?”  
“Yeah. When he came out...he dumped me. 'I know you're not into guys and I'm gonna make this easier on both of us and just say it's been great but goodbye'. Kind of like...So long and thanks for all the fish.”  
Dave leaned back in his chair. The bread sticks had begun. They would never cease. The bread sticks, as the commercial promised, would never stop from keep coming constantly.  
“So you're into guys because you got dumped by a guy? Dude, that's not gonna win him back.”  
“I know! That's not it! That's not...” John took a breath, “That's just like...the match in the gasoline. Like, I'm Nic fucking Cage and him dumping me was the Spirit of Vengeance giving me the rad Ghost Rider powers and my skull explodes into fire and that's me realizing-”  
He lost him among the Nic Cage fan-spewing.  
“Roxy coming out was the kick in the ass to make me realize I've always kind of, I guess, felt this way. I didn't stop caring about him after he came out. I'm still attracted to him. And I guess...I guess it made me realize there's a reason I like shitty action movies and I can even stomach rom-coms with Karkat. Everyone is so dang attractive.”  
Dave let out an almost uncharacteristic guffaw. He tried to keep cool, but the absolute irony of all this was just too good to be true. It was like fucking Christmas, and Santa wasn't a fat guy in a red suit but a pudgy guy in a blue t-shirt. John crumpled a bit.  
“No no, I...look you're fine. I'm not laughing at you. I mean I totally am, let's be fuckin' real here. But like...”  
Dave wiped a tear from his eye as he laughed. John picked at the lasagna placed in front of him gingerly.  
“Like of all the fucking existential crisis breakdowns. Like dude, what are you worried about? That your bisexual best friend or your bisexual polyamorous sister might judge you for realizing you loved your trans pansexual ex boyfriend after all? Dude Rose is married to an alien woman.”  
John squirmed uncomfortably, trying to shrink into the chair.

“Alright look I'll level with you. I get it, I went through the same shit. Even with all the queerness and love in my family and our friends I had the same shit constantly in my head. Doesn't matter if you're the first person out, or the fifth, or the hundredth. Shit takes time. Nobody can tell you when you're ready to come out but you, and being safe doesn't make that shit less scary.”  
John felt a bit better, and nodded, “Thanks.”  
“Now, I gotta go. Happy Birthday-But-Not-Really. I'll be back to get you in...I mean like two hours for you but a fuckin' second or two for me.”  
“Wait, you made our reservations why do you have to-”  
But he was gone, whisked away into the past once again by a flash of red.  
“Typical Dave. Is this seat taken?”  
John felt his mood lift.  
“Rose!”

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to an overly-fluffy little fun fic that definitely will not be a deep dive into a character OR the authors own personal hang-ups, psyche, and the like! Just regular fluffy pairings.
> 
> Some clarifications:
> 
> 1\. Moirails (<>) are STRICTLY platonic and represented by X & Y. So John & Jade or John & Kanaya is NOT romantic, and should (hopefully) not be received poorly. Don't worry, I'm not shipping a cis man and a lesbian romantically.  
> 2\. These are not breaking established canon relationships. Even Romantic (represented as X/Y or X+Y) ships are just discussions that veer more towards romantic. Two characters who are just friends (like John and Rose, who I HC as bisexual) are not suddenly dating.  
> 3\. Think of this as like...Earth C-Slightly to the Left. Transmasc Roxy yes, Fascist Jane no.  
> 4\. Limited Quirks, based on pronunciation. So Kanaya Has Her Lilt, KARKAT HIS SHOUTINESS, but Vriska pronounces her 8s as Bs. This is for accessibility and to help make it easier for screen readers!


End file.
